Jun 30, 2014

Baptizing Ronald McDonald

Unless you live in a cave without Wi-Fi, you know that the Supreme Court has handed down a controversial decision regarding the "Hobby Lobby" case.  The upshot is that employers can claim a "religious exemption"to the requirement that they provide coverage for contraceptives.

While this ruling has angered and alarmed many progressive Christians, I do see a potential benefit to the wider Church. Since for-profit corporations are evidently now considered people, we have some work to do.

Here are some actions, I would like to see happen in light of this case:

Baptize Ronald McDonald -- I realize this should have happened years ago and I blame his parents for their negligence. I'm thinking a vat of flat Coke should do the trick. Burger King and Roy Rogers can be his godparents.


Give Col. Sanders a proper Christian burial -- with full military honors, of course.


Confirm Wendy -- It's not her fault that her father, Dave Thomas, didn't enroll her in Confirmation Class. 


Hear the Hamburglar's Confession -- he's been holding his burger stealing in way too long and that's never good for the soul. As the traditional statement about the sacrament of Confession says, "All may, none must, the Hamburglar should."

Get Flo to join the Young Adult Ministry -- I think she'd add a lot to the 20's/30's group. Though she is rather progressive.


Convert the Quaker Oats guy -- enough of the peace-loving attitude and awkward silences.


Get Bob to join the Youth Group -- sure, he's a little nerdy and is a dead ringer for Ronald Reagan but he'll fit right in.


Perform their wedding -- they've been eying one another ever since they started selling Starbucks in the grocery store.

Hold the best Blessing of the Animals EVER -- bring it on, St. Francis!












4 comments:

M Baughan said...

Thanks Tim. But corporations have been "people" legally since 1819. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporate_personhood

Meredith Gould said...

Thanks for providing a much-needed laugh during a dreadfully dismal time. #SeeWhatIDidThere

David Blackburn said...

Praise the Lord!
There's hope for the world yet! Episcopalians have begun
to return to the fold with
expressing Baptism in terms of
full immersion.

Jim Oppenheimer said...

This has been stated elsewhere, but it bears repeating:

I will take the idea of corporations as persons seriously when Texas executes one of them.