Thanksgiving Over the Coffee

As I sit here drinking a big mug of coffee, following a very full Sunday that included a bunch of baptisms, I found it necessary to rewrite the baptismal Thanksgiving over the Water. With a nod to coffee. Enjoy! (or not, it's up to you)

We thank you, Almighty God, for the gift of Coffee. Over it the Holy Spirit of Caffeine moved in the beginning of the morning. Through it you led the children of exhaustion out of their bondage in bed into the land of the living. In it your Son Jesus received the baptism of Java and was anointed by the Holy Spirit as the Barista, the Coffee Pot, to lead us, through his death and resurrection, from the bondage of blah into everlasting joy.

We thank you, Father, for the wonder of coffee. Without it, we are buried with Christ in his death. With it, we share in his resurrection. Through it we are reborn by caffeine. Therefore in joyful obedience to your mug, we bring into his fellowship those who come to him with a giant carafe, baptizing them in the name of the Bean, and of the Grinder, and of the Filter.

Now sanctify this coffee, we pray you, by the power of your Holy Spirit, that those who here are cleansed from mediocrity and born again may continue for ever in the risen life of Coffee, our savior.

To him, to you, and to our caffeination, be all honor and glory, now and for ever. Amen

The Top 10 Reasons to Attend Online Church

During this unprecedented time, many faith communities around the world are gathering online for worship. While this is no one's preference, it is an important way to hold congregations together and keep people connected to one another. 

At the parish I serve, we're holding Sunday services at 10:00 am via Facebook Live on our Facebook page. It's not exactly a liturgy with high production values, but it comes from the heart. Clergy, parish staff, and volunteers everywhere are doing the best they can in this brave new liturgical world.

But, you have to admit, there are some advantages to gathering online for worship. Here's my Top Ten List -- add others if you have them -- and see you online!

The Top 10 Reasons to Attend Online Church 

1.  You can wear your PJs to church.

2.  Drink coffee DURING the sermon to stay awake.

3.  Hungry? Don’t wait for coffee hour. Grab that donut RIGHT NOW!

4.  Every Sunday is the Blessing of the Animals.

5.  Bad hair day? Who cares!

6.  You can scroll through Facebook during the “boring parts.”

7.  La-Z-Boy > Uncomfortable pew.

8.  Seven year itch? “Cheat” on your pastor by tuning in to another church’s service without even breaking one of the 10 Commandments!

9.  No kneeling. Or standing, for that matter.

10. Keeping connected to God and your community during this unprecedented time. 

Weird (and possibly heretical!) Advent Calendars

It's been a long time since I've offered a survey of some of the stranger Advent Calendars out

there. But, as Advent is a season of waiting and anticipation, your patience has paid off.

This is tough going as nearly every company offers some sort of Advent Calendar as part of their contribution to the Christmas Industrial Complex. We know all about the whisky Advent Calendars (I'm happy to send you my mailing address) and the various foodie offerings out there. But think of this as a curated list (with commentary!) of a few calendars you may not have seen before.

Here we have some of the best and worst (okay, the worst and even worse) of what's out there this season. Some are cringe-worthy, some border on the heretical. But in the end, Advent Calendars are a wonderful way to mark down the shopping days until Christmas. Er, I mean the days before we welcome the Christ-Child anew into our hearts and minds.

So enjoy, friends. And know that while these calendars may entirely miss the point of keeping this holy season, I do bid you a very happy and hopeful Advent.

1. Gruesome Christmas Anti-Advent Calendar

Are there people on your list who hate Christmas? Enjoy a daily "misfortune cookie" with the Gruesome Christmas Anti-Advent Calendar. Each of the 24 vegan black wheat cookies (yuck!) are individually wrapped with messages like, "I hope you've got pets. Because you haven't got any friends." This is the perfect calendar for misanthropes and those counting down to Christmas during what they would consider to be the most awful time of the year.

2. Jelly Belly 12 Days of Christmas Advent Calendar

Hey, Jelly Belly! Get clear on the concept! There's no such thing as a "12 Days of Christmas Advent Calendar." You can either do the four weeks leading up to Christmas (that's Advent!) OR the 12 Days of Christmas which start on Christmas Day (that's Christmas!). In fairness, this calendar effectively ruins both Advent and Christmas. So if that was your intention, you win! Oh, and you can keep that disgusting popcorn-flavored jelly bean for Lent.

3. Beanies Flavoured Coffee Advent Calendar

Okay, it's one thing to ruin Advent. But Beanies, a British coffee company, has also ruined coffee with the Beanies Flavored Coffee Advent Calendar (full disclosure: I'm a coffee snob -- I literally wrote the book on it). I mean, orange-chocolate coffee? Gingerbread coffee? Coconut? With "coffee" like this, who wouldn't be waiting expectantly for the promised End of Days?

4. 12 Days of Beauty Advent Calendar

It's not just that they get the 12 Days of Christmas confused with Advent -- see #2. It's the whole notion of making Advent "all about me" that irks me about the 12 Days of Beauty Advent Calendar. And believe me, it's not rare -- it seems as if every cosmetics company has some form of Advent-inspired promotion. But can you really see that major figure of the season, John the Baptist, getting jazzed about flavored bath soaps? Maybe wild honey-scented exfoliating cream...

5. Lovehoney Best Sex of Your Life Couples' Sex Toy Countdown Calendar

I can't even. And while the English word "Advent" is derived from the Latin "Adventus," meaning "coming," I still can't even. If John the Baptist yelling "You brood of vipers!" can't spice up your sex life, it may be a lost cause. Again with the locusts and wild Lovehoney. And you thought "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" was a yuletide bridge too far.

6. Very, Very Tiffany Advent Calendar

When we were kids, we were lucky if the LAST window on our Advent Calendars had a tiny, stale piece of chocolate inside. Fortunately for the 1%, Tiffany & Co. has solved this problem with their $112,000 Very, Very Tiffany Advent Calendar. Two "Verys" are apparently needed because the whole thing is just not decadent enough in itself. If only Joseph had access to this during Mary's third trimester.

7. 24 Days of Beard Treats Advent Calendar

Now, I'm not exactly sure what qualifies as a "beard treat," but this is an essential purchase for the special Old Testament prophet on your Christmas list. Imagine what this 24 Days of Beard Treats Advent Calendar could do for Malachi and Zephaniah? The scented beard oils are the perfect complement to finding one's prophetic voice -- and likely getting beheaded in the process.

8. Purple Ladybug Novelty Dinosaur Toys Advent Calendar

The only reason the Dinosaur Toys Advent Calendar made the list is for the Creationist on your shopping list. Don't believe in dinosaurs? Perfect! Here are 24 days of pre-packaged heresy. Keep opening those windows because, who knows? Maybe Adam and Eve are actually hiding in there. Nope. Sorry. That's triceratops.

Well, that's it for this year. If you find others you'd like to share (and there are many!), please do share them in the comments section. Your fellow Star gazers will thank you. Or not.

Happy Advent!

Endless Summer (Church)

Everyone knows the night before he died, Jesus turned to Peter, James, and John in the Garden of Gethsemane and asked plaintively, "Can you not sweat with me one hour?" This poignant moment in the Passion narrative foreshadows the one hour that future Christians would spend in un-airconditioned churches during the summer months.

Some might complain about summer church -- or not even show up at all. But summer church also offers a plethora of opportunities and joys. Here are just a few:

1. Hot Yoga. All that standing and kneeling in sweat drenched pews? People pay good money for this! Bonus: you'll sweat off 10-pounds and receive salvation.

2. Side Bets. Keep yourself entertained, and potentially enriched, by wagering with your pew mates on whether or not the clergy will sweat through their vestments by the time The Peace rolls around.

3. Beautiful Skin. Overheated churches are basically spa treatments, when you get right down to it. Forget the sauna. Just show up for the 10:00 am service (pro-tip: it's much hotter than the 8 o'clock).

4. Hits from the '80s. As you watch the wax candles droop on the altar, you'll feel totally empowered to speak to the organist and request Modern English's "I'll stop the world and melt with you" as the sequence hymn instead of that old warhorse "Glorious Things of Thee Are Spoken."

5. Shroud of Turin(ish). During the sermon, the preacher will inevitably wipe his or her face with a

handkerchief. Grab it after the service and if there's an image of the preacher's face, voila! Instant cottage industry.

6. Easy Money. When the crucifer's sweaty hands cause her to lose her grip on the processional cross and it comes crashing down on your head causing you bodily injury and emotional distress, sue the church! Most parishes have a shady lawyer in the pews. Grab him during coffee hour and put him on retainer.

I hope this brief foray into the belly of the summer church beast helps open your eyes to the incredible possibilities of sweating through another August service.

Annual Meeting "Tips"

This may come as a surprise, but the Annual Parish Meeting takes place...every year. Ours is always scheduled for the last Sunday in January or, as we call it here in New England, The Last Sunday Before the Patriots Appear in Yet Another Super Bowl.

As at other Episcopal parishes around the country, we gather for a meal, elect Vestry members, and present the budget for the coming year, and allow people to ignore what's actually being said by handing out a comprehensive report of all the ministries just before the meeting. I always like to present a year-in-review slide show which, I think, adds some color, texture, camaraderie, and humor to what can be fairly dry proceedings.

Annual Meeting week always creates a bit of anxiety around the office -- not Holy Week-type stress -- but there are lots of last-minute reports and details to pull together. The copy machine in the parish office gets ridden hard and there's inevitably a complicated pastoral emergency that arises.

Oh, let's be honest. It's mostly the rector's anxiety. I always apologize in advance during the staff meeting in the week preceding the Annual Meeting. I think most clergy in charge of parishes approach the Annual Meeting with the nagging fear that the Vestry will attempt to invoke the church equivalent of the 25th Amendment. That's the one that allows for the removal of the president from office if the vice-president and a majority of the Cabinet deem him physically or mentally "unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office." Not that there is a church equivalent, but that's the level of paranoia that gets unleashed.

Anyway, I've had the Annual Meeting on my mind the past couple of weeks and I have a few "suggestions" to make yours more enjoyable for everyone. Oh, and here's an actual tip that we're doing this year: hiring a magician to entertain the kids while their parents attend the meeting. Definitely steal that idea!

1. During the Rector's Report, have the curate sit behind the lectern and stand up after every few sentences to enthusiastically lead congregational clapping.

2. Have the Treasurer present the budget using "fuzzy math" and "voodoo economics." Basically, keep talking in circles until there's a motion to close the meeting.

3. Encourage the Rector, during the dreaded open discussion portion at the end, to "answer" every question like a Bill Belichick press conference: "We're on to next Sunday morning."

4.  Pray for all the trees you killed by printing all those copies of the Annual Report that is also available online.

5. Remember, if you keep the meeting under an hour, there is a brass plaque waiting with your name on it. Sure, it will be attached to the bottom of one of the uncomfortable metal folding chairs people are forced to sit on during the meeting. But still.

6. If the coffee has run out by the time the rector makes it in to offer the opening prayer, there will be no Annual Meeting (which is either a promise or a threat, depending on your perspective).

7. After the meeting begins, lock the doors. Captive audiences are the best audiences.

8. If the congregation spends 20 minutes debating why the candle budget increased by 1.5% last year, there may be bigger issues that need addressing.

9. Don't entertain any suggestion that begins, "Wouldn't it be really great if we made this a Bi-Annual Meeting?"

10. When the same guy gets up to speak, as he has at the last 35 Annual Meetings, and demands to know why we no longer do Morning Prayer on Sunday morning, consider it a motion to adjourn.

In the end, for as much preparation as it takes, I do love Annual Meeting Sunday. It's a gift to be able to hit the pause button amid the pace and volume of parish life and both celebrate the last 12 months while looking ahead to the future. Blessings to all who have upcoming Annual Meetings. May your budget be balanced and your attendance figures be up.

The "Real Reasons" the Magi were Late

As everyone knows, we celebrate the arrival of the Magi to the manger on January 6th, the Feast of

the Epiphany. Well, unless your only contact with the Christmas story is an annual pageant in which case you believe they arrived right after the shepherds on Christmas Eve.

Don’t get me started on the way we jumble the story at pageants (the shepherds and wise men never meet!). But I sure won’t be the one to tell the pageant director (and the parents) that there won’t be any frankincense this year.

The reality is that, according to Scripture, the Magi arrived today. Perhaps by now Jesus is sleeping through the night (let’s face it, that first night might have been holy but, as any parent knows, there was surely nothing “silent” about it).

Anyway, this got me wondering about what kept the three kings from making an on-time arrival. I scoured many sources at the Vatican library and came up with the following possibilities:

1. Balthazar took forever doing his hair while Caspar and Melchior sat on their camels and stewed.

2. The holiday traffic on the way into Bethlehem was dreadful.

3. Four words: goats in the road.

4. The Star of Bethlehem (the original GPS) kept saying “recalculating” and they found themselves in a sketchy part of town.

5. Caspar drank way too much water at the first oasis which meant an extra long stop at the Molly Pitcher rest stop.

6. Untying fancy sandals to go through the TSA checkpoint took a long time. Retying them took forever.

7. Due to poor behavior on the part of the other two kings, Melchior had to pull over more than once to yell, “If you don’t stop fighting I’m going to turn this caravan right around!”

8. Stopping at the Holiday Inn slowed them down because, in a precursor to today’s “War on Christmas,” Balthazar kept insisting the name should be changed to “Christmas Inn.”

9. “I told you that stop at Herod’s house was a waste of time.”

10. They took a vote and decided to take their sweet time getting to the manger so they would have a day all to themselves on the Church calendar.

Have a blessed Epiphany everyone!

8 Christmas Eve "Welcoming Tips"

Hark! Christmas Eve is well nigh upon us! 

And this day offers congregations a unique opportunity to welcome and show Christian hospitality to visitors, seekers, strangers, and seasonal attendees. It's an exciting time to be in parish ministry and, while there's much to get done, it's also the very reason most of us have dedicated our lives to serve the church. As a former curate of mine likes to say, "This is our Super Bowl!"

There are some wonderfully creative ways to reach out to people and welcome them to your parish this season. From social media to musical offerings to invitational preaching, the options are abundant. 

To enhance the conversation, I thought I'd add a few additional tips for parishes to help make visitors feel particularly welcome on this most holy night. Definitely try at least a few of these and I guarantee your church will be the talk of the town.

1. Instead of the bride's side and the groom's side, have ushers ask whether people would prefer the "actually a parishioner side" or the "who are you we've never seen you before" side. This will come in handy when the preacher later brings up separating the sheep from the goats in the sermon.

2. Refer early and often to "those people" who have "not darkened the door of the church" along with the phrase "You know who you are!"

3. Judge rather than help people who have trouble navigating the Prayer Book/Hymnal/Bulletin juggling act. Snicker when they try to find Hymn 100 ("Joy to the World") but can only find S-100, that ever joyful plainsong version of the Trisagion.

4. At the announcements, remind everyone in the congregation (in a sarcastic tone) that you really do hold services more than once or twice a year. Also, toss around the term "communicant in good standing."

5. Make no mention of Christmas Eve services on your website or church answering machine. Or, if you do, make sure you've changed the service times since last year. Nothing says "Ho, ho, ho" quite like showing up just in time for the dismissal.

6. Don't explain the logistics of communion. It's best to keep newcomers' anxiety

about appearing foolish or "doing the wrong thing" ratcheted up as high as possible. Don't forget to correct anyone who says "thank you" after receiving the host by hissing "you mean 'amen.'"

7. Encourage parishioners to come in a few days before Christmas to drape coats over their regular pews to reserve them.

8. Keep the large front doors locked since everyone knows you go through that side door near the kitchen to get into the worship space.

Well, I hope this has given you a few extra ideas to make your guests feel welcome on Christmas Eve. What's the worst that could happen? They'll just try a different church on Easter.

Jesus: Soft on Sin and Unelectable

In the waning days of the election, I started reflecting on just how bad a presidential candidate Jesus would have been. 

I mean, there are certain things that would play well to the masses. His back story is good — son of a simple carpenter, a small businessman who worked hard to pass on his strong family values and solid work ethic. 

But you just know the opposition research guys on the other side would uncover the “scandal” of his true parentage. One whiff of the whole “Son of God” thing and they’d accuse him of insisting on ruling by “divine right.”

And Dan Brown-inspired Mary Magdalene conspiracy theories aside, not being married is a huge liability. Not to mention state dinners rife with tax collectors and sinners rather than dignified diplomats. His style is just all a bit too...unorthodox.

And while Jesus was always willing to stand up to the powers and principalities of injustice and oppression, you know he wouldn’t go negative. He just wouldn’t be comfortable tearing down a fellow child of God in order to win at all costs. I’m pretty sure you need a killer instinct to succeed in modern electoral politics. Peacemakers are seen as weak and, despite his clear record, he’d be labeled “soft on sin.”

Primarily, though, the Sermon on the Mount would have made a lousy stump speech. Sure there’s a nice rhythm to it with the memorably repetitive “Blessed are those who…for they will…” trope. But we want our candidates to project an image of strength and power; we want to see leadership and action. We want messages of confidence and abundance and optimism. We don’t want to hear about the meek and the poor and the persecuted and the hungry. We want uplifting rhetoric that inspires and reminds us of our national supremacy on the global stage. We want someone who will make the kingdom of heaven great again! Not someone who will highlight the as-of-yet unrealized dream of God’s kingdom here on earth.

The reality is, whichever candidate is elected tomorrow, as a nation we still have work to do. This election has brought the bitter divides in this country into stark relief. And the election process has unleashed a Pandora’s Box of hatred and bile that I fear will be difficult to contain in the years ahead.

This is why candidate Jesus would invite us to consider the Beatitudes, the section that forms the heart of both the Sermon on the Mount and his very ministry. By highlighting faithfulness over victory, Jesus asks us to behold his vision of hope; to see a world where fear and hatred are driven out by compassion and love. The work of reconciliation and honest conversation amid disagreement is not easy. But the vision of peace and justice and love abides even in what feels like a dark time in our common life.

In the meantime, in the spirit of hope, go ahead and order an “I Survived the Election of 2016” t-shirt off e-Bay. And then, come Wednesday, we can move on to the difficult but important work of making this a better world for all. Even if Jesus himself would have gotten trounced in the electoral college.

Top 10 Reasons to Elect Tim General Convention Deputy

Well, we just took the vote for General Convention Deputy at the Massachusetts Diocesan Convention. I decided to run this year as I recently noted in a post titled In the Running. Of course, the results won't be announced until tomorrow after lunch (how am I supposed to sleep tonight?!).

Seven people ran and the top four vote-getters are elected to serve at the Episcopal Church's triennial national convention. All four "incumbents" are running for reelection so the odds aren't great. But again, this is why I decided to run -- to get some fresh voices into the national conversation when it comes to the future of the Episcopal Church.

I guess this is too late at this point -- it wasn't clear when in the agenda the voting was going to take place -- but here's why I should be elected!

Top 10 Reasons to Elect Tim General Convention Deputy

10. I have no idea how to set up my own e-mail server.

9. I believe "basket of deplorables" is merely a euphemism for "tax collectors and sinners."

8. I'll release my tax returns. Although since they're clergy tax returns, no one will be understand them.

7. I am One. Bad. Hombre.

6. A chicken in every pot? Good coffee in every pot!

5. I'm with her. Wait, what?

4. If elected "deputy" I will officially change my name to "Enos." Because Dukes of Hazard.

3. I will build a wall around my laptop and make the Methodists pay for it.

2. I LOVE really long church meetings and NEVER fall asleep or start Tweeting.

1. I will Make General Convention Great Again!

Liturgical Olympics

Admit it. You're slightly obsessed with the Olympics. That's not a bad thing, of course. Competition and the human spirit...blah, blah, blah. 

But what if these events were a bit more relatable to church life? What if we had events in which clergy and lay people could compete and receive that "crown of glory that never fades away?"

Fortunately, I've given this some thought. Here's an excerpt from my 2015 book Father Tim's Church Survival Guide. If you have other ideas for events, let me know. Then, collectively, we can "go for the gold!" Or at least the Golden Chalice...

Liturgical Olympics 

It happens every two years -- people become obsessed with sports they never give a second thought to in the intervening four years. I don’t know too many people who are huge luge fanatics outside the friendly competitive confines of the Olympic Games or who could name all the members of the Brazilian relay team in non-Olympic years.

Anyway, it’s made me think that we should institute an every-four-years Liturgical Olympics. Each diocese could field teams in church-specific events. Instead of the ugly jackets worn by many of the delegations, the “athletes” could wear hideous vestments during the Opening Ceremonies at the Washington National Cathedral. But I’m getting ahead of myself. We first need to come up with comparable events. 

Here are some suggestions based on the winter Olympics.

Freestyle Skiing — Thurible Twirling

Everybody loves the daring, gravity-defying thrills of freestyle skiing. Why not transfer this to the skills of our best thurifers? The possibility of setting things on fire adds to the danger of this exciting event. Thurifers show off their skills with 360s, around the worlds, figure eights, and even the newest move called the spinning nautilus. Extra points gained for smoking out any Protestant spectators.

Speed Skating — Speed Mass

After the starting gun/sanctus bell, Celebrants compete to say the Eucharistic prayer and distribute communion as quickly as possible. Everyone begins with the altar set for communion, 100 communicants in (mostly) good standing, and one deacon. The giant running digital clock behind the altar allows spectators to track each competitor’s time. While this event is Rite II, the Liturgical Olympic Committee (LOC) is considering a switch to Rite I to watch Celebrants trip over the words “innumerable benefits procured unto us by the same.”

Pairs Figure Skating — Acolyte Choreography

Acolytes must serve at a high mass without extraneous movements or fainting while using perfect form and correct manual acts. Additional points are awarded for singing the hymns and not falling asleep during the sermon. Points are subtracted for unruly hair, wearing sneakers, and getting wax on the cassock.

Ski Jumping — Changing the Worship Space

Participants are challenged to make a substantial change to the worship space and then suffer the wrath of parishioners. The losers either give in and change it back or go home and curl up in the fetal position. “Substantial change” may refer to the removal  of flags from the sanctuary, repositioning the altar, or removing anything — no matter how ugly — donated by a current parishioner (i.e. the modern baptismal font, 1970s-style altar hangings, etc).

Cross Country Skiing — Endurance Preaching

The ultimate liturgical endurance test, preachers are set up in a pulpit and asked to preach extemporaneously on a surprise text for as long as possible. There are two ways to get disqualified. 1) Uttering the words “um,” “er,” “ah,” or  any other vocal placeholder or extra long pause (judges’ discretion) 2) When the first spectator falls asleep. This is the least popular event to attend especially because smart phones and knitting are not allowed.

Hockey — Coffee Hour

Participating clergy are thrown into a loud, crowded room with people drinking bad coffee out of styrofoam cups. They have 20 minutes to remember everyone’s name, have heart-felt pastoral conversations with long-time parishioners, identify and talk to all newcomers, answer passive aggressive questions about the hymn selection, and suck down two cups of coffee.

And a few more based on the summer Olympics.

Beach Volleyball -- Pine Needle Pickup

Like trying to get all the sand off your body, out of your hair, and away from your clothes after a trip to the beach, this event is about ridding the church of pine needles after Christmas. Contestants are given a broom, vacuum cleaner, and a pair of tweezers. The first one to get up all the needles before the next Olympiad wins.

Diving -- Sacred Cow Tipping

Bravery and derring-do are the traits that earn gold in this event. Each participant is given a sacred cow to skewer such as switching to the contemporary language version of the Lord’s Prayer or changing the Sunday service times and told to dive right in. The one to live to tell about it is declared the winner.

Synchronized Swimming -- Three Sacred Ministers

Similar to the Acolyte Choreography event in the Winter Liturgical Olympics, this tests the mettle of teams consisting of a Celebrant, Deacon, and Sub-Deacon. Points are deducted for each misstep or out-of-synch bowing at the name of Jesus. Unfortunately for the judges, this is difficult to score since they cannot see into the massive cloud of incense.

Table Tennis -- Call and Response

This event takes great concentration and anticipation. Teams of five are assembled

consisting of an officiant and four “parishioners.” The officiant says a phrase such as “The Lord be with you” and his/her teammates must correctly respond with “And also with you” in the shortest amount of elapsed time. If they speak too soon they are disqualified and the Lord isn’t, in fact, with them.

Fencing -- Sermon Dialogue

In this event, preachers must spend five minutes immediately following the sermon to engage the congregation in dialogue. No longer able to hide behind the built-in authority of a gigantic pulpit, they must answer pointed questions about their theology from the chair of the religion department at the local university. The winners successfully navigate this exercise without either weeping or proclaiming “because I said so, that’s why.”

Boxing -- Worship Committee Meeting

Contestants are placed into one large Worship Committee and asked to come to consensus on whether or not to use incense when the bishop visits even though it’s not a major feast day on the liturgical calendar. There are no medals awarded in this event.

Jesus Gets...Divorced?

This week, the Harvard professor who discovered an ancient text "proving" Jesus had a wife has recanted. Or at least admitted that it is "probably a forgery."

You remember this story from 2012? It caused quite a stir among Biblical scholars, most of whom debunked the validity of the scrap of papyrus with the words "Jesus said to them, My wife."

I'd forgotten about this faith-based kerfuffle until a story in The Atlantic came out this month in which the professor, historian Karen King, admitted that the man who gave her the text, anonymously, is actually a disgraced Egyptologist turned pornographer (you just can't make this stuff up).

And it's kind of too bad. I mean, the odds that Jesus had a wife were remote at best and ultimately it wouldn't have changed anything. Married or not, Jesus is still the Savior.

But it sure did make for some great comic material. Here's what I came up with back when this was in the news. Enjoy.

Top 20 Reasons Not to be Jesus' Wife

1. It’s hard to take the Lord’s name in vain when he’s standing in the kitchen.

2. When arguing, he always turns the other cheek. So aggravating!

3. Passing the salt at the dinner table gets you a lecture about what happens when salt loses its saltiness.

4. Twelve guys always hanging around makes intimate moments impossible.

5. Having to endure people singing “Joy to the World” on his birthday gets old.

"The Gospel of Jesus' Wife"

6. Being called “Mrs. Christ” is irritating. “How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not our last name!”

7. Awkard encounters with Pilate’s wife at the next pilates class.

8. Your mother-in-law is perfect. “Do you have any idea how much pressure that puts on me at Thanksgiving?”

9. Even though it’s all innocent, it’s tough when your husband is always laying hands on other people.

10. It’s tough to live with someone who’s nursing a major Messiah-Complex.

11. He insists on calling every grace he says before dinner "The Lord's Prayer."

12. "No, I will NOT make locust and wild honey casserole for your friend John tomorrow night.

13. The way he suavely whips out his lighter at cocktail parties when someone pulls out a cigarette and says, "The Light of Christ."

14. 'I came not to be served but to serve.' "Well, that's all well and good but guess who's still left to do the dishes?"

15. He's always saying 'Let the little children come to me.' "You try hearing that all the time while your own biological clock is ticking louder than Big Ben."

16. Ever since his clothes turned dazzling white on that mountaintop, suddenly no bleach is good enough.

17. "You think it's easy getting someone to their annual physical who walks around saying, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick?'"

18. Every time he forgets to stop by the grocery store on the way home he gives me the same thing: loaves and fish, loaves and fish.


19. 'Pick up your cross and follow me.' "That's rich coming from someone who can't even pick up his socks off the bedroom floor."

20. I never was able to cash in on that life insurance policy.

Father Tim's Unofficial Eulogy Guidelines

There's a fine line between a eulogy that drags on too long and a hostage situation. We've all been there. And if you're sitting in the congregation as the speaker drones on and on, you quickly come to the realization that you are the hostage. Talk about a captive audience...

I'm generally not a big fan of eulogies and although I allow them I don't exactly encourage them. Indeed, the best funerals I've attended are liturgies where the priest knew the deceased and spoke powerfully about the person within the context of Christ's resurrection.

When eulogies are included in funerals over which I preside, I do find that most people are respectful of the church's eulogy guidelines and the gentle admonition to "keep it short." But occasionally this gets tossed out the stained glass window and you end up with...a situation.

As I've thought about (and experienced) a few of these over the years, I decided it would be helpful to offer potential eulogists a few helpful hints.

1. A Eulogy is Not a Roast. Please, please, please, save the drunken carousing stories for the reception. Sure, the deceased like to have a good time. That's great. And I'm delighted that one of his fraternity buddies was chosen to deliver the eulogy. But we're trying to briefly paint a picture of the person's character not immortalize him as Bluto from Animal House.

2. Beware the Waterworks. Is there anything more uncomfortable than a family member weeping

uncontrollably while trying to get through a eulogy? Since you can't understand a word being said, it's basically an awkward public cry-fest. If you have the "gift of tears," maybe eulogizing is not for you.

3. A Eulogy is Not a Therapy Session. Yes, all families are at least slightly dysfunctional. That's a reality of the human condition and the reason God created therapists. But if you find yourself speaking in "I Statements" throughout the talk, you may as well be giving it from a couch.

4. A Eulogy is Not an Obituary. It's safe to assume that everyone who cared enough to attend the funeral has read the obituary. Please don't begin with "XX was born in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, in 1942" and then proceed to list every job she ever held, every house in which she ever lived, and every person she ever met. We know. We read the obituary.

5. Keep it Short. The best eulogies are heartfelt and to the point And by "to the point" I mean five minutes or less. Don't go on and on as if you were channeling Bill Clinton giving that famously long and boring endorsement speech for Michael Dukakis at the 1988 Democratic National Convention.

6. Don't Turn the Deceased into a Saint. Nobody's perfect (well, except Jesus and nobody eulogized him). If someone was a jerk in life, there's no need to canonize the person in a eulogy. It will be inauthentic and disingenuous at best. Talk about his or her good qualities and even the challenging aspects of personality. But if someone used to kick the dog, there's no sense in turning him into St. Francis.

7. A Eulogy is Not a Stand-Up Routine. Sure, use humor. Especially if it sheds light upon the character of the deceased. But you're probably not as funny as you think you are and, again, a eulogy should never be all about you. Unless Bill Murray is giving the eulogy, tread lightly on the humor.

8. Practice! It's amazing how many people come up to the lectern and seem to sight-read their eulogy. Even if you are a confident public speaker, it's important to read it aloud. Go ahead and time it -- it's probably a lot longer than you think. Then edit it down and practice it again. There's enough emotion already; at least be comfortable with what you're saying.

It's worth remembering that only a few generations ago, the Church's burial rite didn't even include the deceased's name -- it was a celebration of God as the giver of life and attempted to place the particular death within this larger context. Obviously pastoral sensitivity now encourages us to recognize the individual but the sense of reverence and restraint remains. The entire liturgy -- the music, the readings, the eulogies, the sermon -- point to the mystery of the God who has created and redeemed us.

So, if you are tasked with giving a eulogy in church, please be mindful of these (somewhat) tongue-in-cheek guidelines. Your family and the entire congregation will thank you.

What Your Coffee Says About Your Denomination

Recently, I ran across a post that compared different coffee drinks with one's theology. I loved the concept but it a) wasn't very comprehensive and b) wasn't all that interesting. So I thought I'd take a crack at this since there are few things I love more than theology and coffee (not necessarily in that order).

While Jesus gave the disciples wine at the Last Supper, I have it on good authority that he only did so because Judas forgot to bring the coffee. Traitor! But that may just be apocryphal.

Personally, I drink my coffee like I wear my clergy shirts: black. But that's just the tip of the denominational, coffee-infused iceberg. So, I'm taking this brief break from my supreme duties over at Lent Madness to dip into this particular vat of over-caffeinated theology.

Anglicans -- Iced Coffee

Could there be any more appropriate coffee drink for God's "Frozen Chosen?" Well, perhaps tea. Anglicans drink tea. (And for fussy Anglo-Catholics, anything involving Latte Art --  which is the lace cotta of the coffee world).

Calvinists -- Espresso

Bitter, harsh, preordained.

Fundamentalists -- Coffee Beans

If you're going to take Scripture literally, even when it was not meant to be read as such, you will certainly just take the coffee bean (as God created it) and, forsaking reason, simply chew on the beans. Have fun with that.

Lutherans -- Coffee-Infused Beer

Martin Luther would surely approve of blending coffee with Oktoberfest.

Methodists -- Affogato

Espresso over vanilla ice cream is as close as you can come to the sweetness of sacramental grape juice. It may not leave your heart "strangely warmed," as John Wesley would put it, but you can always order a "light and sweet" coffee as a chaser.

Mormons -- Decaf

If your religion doesn't allow you to partake in caffeine, you end up with brown water. That's what decaf is after all.

Roman Catholics -- Italian Roast

Low quality beans, over-roasted to kill the flavor. When it's finished roasting, white smoke arises as a signal that it's "done." (Secondary option: Irish Coffee).

Pentecostalists -- Double Espresso

Drink a few of these and you, too, will begin speaking in tongues.

Prosperity Gospel -- Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino

This or whatever is the most expensive drink on the Starbucks menu. Also, it's not actually coffee -- it's dessert.

Unitarians -- Cafe au Lait

Foamy. Sweet. Feels good. Free range beans.

Whatever YOU Believe -- Black Coffee

Coffee in its most pure form. As God intended. The way we all see our own particular brand of Christianity.