Goodbye Kitty

In major breaking news, it was revealed today that Hello Kitty is not, as previously believed, a cat. In an attempt to clarify something that was never in doubt, the former feline's creator is quoted as saying, "Hello Kitty is not a cat. She's a cartoon character. She's a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat." Um, okay.

This radical case of feline debunking has people everywhere challenging other long-held assumptions. It has also cast a dark shadow upon the authenticity of Felix, Morris, Tom, Garfield, the Cat in the Hat, and even the internet sensation Grumpy Cat.

As we all seek to gain our bearings in this new world order, I have uncovered other disconcerting truisms of our common life.

1. God is not George Burns. Or Morgan Freeman.

2. "Lassie" is just a stage name -- not the dog's real name.

3. The Tooth Fairy can't fly. And he's really a cross-dresser named Bob.

4. Elmo is actually Grover with a red dye job and a tank of helium.

5. Dr. Seuss does not, in fact, have a medical degree.

6. Stewie on "Family Guy" is not a toddler but a talking football with legs.

7. Batman's only "super power" is prancing around in tights and a cape.

8. The Supreme Executive Committee of Lent Madness is not Bert and Ernie in disguise.

9. Spuds Mackenzie is really the Taco Bell chihuahua wearing a fat suit.

10. The Pope is not Catholic.

The moral of the story is beware of your assumptions. And don't be surprised if we learn tomorrow that Cat Woman is not, in fact, a woman but a cat.

Grammatically Incorrect Slogans

I've always been both fascinated and righteously indignant about grammatically incorrect advertising. I'm not a grammar fascist -- frankly, my grammar's just not good enough to qualify and I still have flashbacks to trying to learn how to diagram sentences in Mr. Grimes' sixth grade English class at Gilman School in Baltimore. But overt linguistic fouls annoy me. Maybe it stems from having two English majors as parents who always insisted on speaking and writing correctly. It's not like they slapped me with a ruler if I used "good" instead of "well," but if I delved into the realm of lousy grammar at home I generally heard about it.

Now, I'm not as bad as my mother who would often call over a poor, unsuspecting waiter to complain about a typo or grammatical sin on the menu. It didn't matter if it was a fancy French restaurant or a truck stop. This usually had to do with a missing or extraneous accent mark, though even I had to agree when "Chicken Franchise" showed up on a menu in the Poconos when what they meant was "Chicken Francaise."

I also remember my dad talking about grammatically incorrect advertising slogans like the old cigarette tagline "Winstons taste good, like a cigarette should." Of course it should have been "Winstons taste good, as a cigarette should." 

This got me thinking about current or recent advertising that plays fast and loose withe the rules of grammar. I'm sure you can think of others but here are a few along with how they should read.

Eggo Waffles: Leggo my Eggo -- Let go of my Eggo

Milk: Got Milk? -- Do you have milk?

Subway: Subway, eat fresh -- Subway, eat freshly

Apple: Think Different -- Think differently

McDonald's: I'm lovin' it -- I am loving it

Staples: We got that. -- We have that.

What others can you think of? (and yes, I just ended that sentence with a preposition).

Super Committee meets Supertramp

I don't often get political here and, well, I'm still not. But if the congressional "Super Committee" was a model for all things "Super," the world as we know it would be flipped upside down. Here are some examples:

Superman would be reduced to a kryptonite-fearing, pathetic little man curled up in the fetal position on the floor of a phone booth.

Your Super Sized Coke at McDonald's would come in a shot glass.

Super Tuesday would resemble the Iowa Straw Poll.

The Super 8 Motel would consist of a sleeping bag in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

The Super Dooper Looper roller coaster at Hershey Park would be synonymous with "tea cups."

The graphics on Super Mario Brothers video games would be on a par with Pong.

The Super Bowl would be as compelling as the Tufts-Middlebury game and the commercials would all be tests of the emergency broadcast system.

The Super Dome in New Orleans would be renamed for former President Bush.

The British rock group Supertramp would be...well, they would stay about the same.

Rick James' Super Freak would be as hip as your average accountant singing La Bamba at a karaoke bar.

The Super Soaker would be little more than one of those fake squirting flowers clowns wear on their lapels.

That's all I got -- I'm sure you can come up with others and, if so, please post them. Unfortunately this is what happens when I have a day off...