Nov 2, 2012

Litany for Diocesan Convention



Well, folks, it's that time of year again. The bishop bangs the gavel and Diocesan Conventions throughout the land grind to a start. Last year I offered my Diocesan Convention Survival Guide and while it's still relevant, I thought I'd help advance the cause through what we Episcopalians do best: liturgy. And by "best" I mean at any time other than at a Diocesan Convention (for some reason it all falls apart when two or three priests are gathered together in the bishop's name.

This Litany for Diocesan Convention is appropriate for any convention liturgy. If it's not part of the official bulletin, I suggest appointing your own cantor and singing it during the budget presentation. It is, of course, sung to the tune of The Great Litany, the world's oldest English language rite.

Enjoy and may your intercessions come to fruition.
Litany for Diocesan Convention

O God the Father, Creator of heaven and mirth.
Have mercy upon us.

O God the Son, Redeemer of the bored.
Have mercy upon us.

O God the Holy Spirit, Sanctifier of the awful.
Have mercy upon us.

Remember not, Lord Christ, our offenses, nor the offenses of our fellow delegates; neither reward us according to our pomposity. Spare us, good Lord, spare thy people, whom thou hast brought to this dingy cathedral, and by thy mercy preserve us from boredom, for ever.
Spare us, good Lord.

From all box lunches and ennui; from the crafts and assaults of the self-absorbed; and from never-ending debate,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From poseurs and grandstanders and from those who like to hear the sound of their own voices.
Good Lord, deliver us.

From those compelled to speak from any available microphone even with nothing to say,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From liturgies that include the clapping of hands and hymns no one knows,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From the self-important, the aggravating, and the sanctimonious,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From the humorless, the thin-skinned, and those that posture,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From the authors of pointless resolutions and amendments to said resolutions,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From endless budget debates that never change a thing,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From the lack of Wi-Fi, poor cell service, and slow connections,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From clergy who gravitate toward those with purple shirts,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From being drafted to run for diocesan council,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From  weak and lukewarm coffee and the requisite non-dairy creamer,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From those who disparage the use of smart phones even as they knit,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From delegates politicking in the restroom and during the Peace,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From monotonous reports by people reading us their Power Point slides,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From the same six people who insist on speaking to every resolution,
Good Lord, deliver us.

Bishop  XX, we beseech thee to hear us.
Bishop XX, we beseech thee to hear us.

O Secretary of Convention, you have the power to set us free,
Have mercy upon us.

O Secretary of Convention, you have the power to set us free,
Have mercy upon us.

O Secretary of Convention, you have the power to set us free,
Grant us release.

12 comments:

Solange De Santis said...

From clergy who belabor pet theological viewpoints so tediously that even God is snoring,

Good Lord deliver us.

David Cobb said...

except that you are not allowed to complain about the worst of liturgy in the dingiest of cathedrals until you've set through "creative" and "special" liturgy in a hotel ballroom- the plastic and surreal quality of the setting actually matches the liturgy ...

Cathy said...

Brilliant!!

LKT said...

Amen.

Judith Crossett said...

guilty of knitting, or "I have pointy sticks and I'm not afraid to use them". I also stay awake, listen, and keep my temper better by knitting.

Bonnie Gossett said...

ON THE MARK!

Amma Kim said...

Brilliant...

Sarah said...

I will so totally sing this with you!

Meredith Gould said...

Brutally fabulous.

Mariclaire Buckley said...

Aggravating?

Nancy said...

Delightful......simply delightful!!

Carol Plummer said...

Amen!