Jul 20, 2011

Strange Liturgical Products

Some products have liturgical uses that transcend their initial intention. Such is the case with the Pillow Tie. Does your parish priest preach sermons that could be titled "The Long and Winding Road?" No problem! Curl up under a pew (if the preaching is that bad there should be plenty of empty ones available), inflate your tie, and have a nap. Once the congregation starts reciting the Nicene Creed you'll be refreshed, alert, and ready to receive communion.

Another product out there is the Packable Wine Glass. When a chalice is simply too bulky for your eucharistic needs, this is the perfect go-to glass. It even comes with a nifty mesh tote bag. Wine (and brown bag) sold separately.

Is your priest one of those "smells and bells" types? Does he/she insist on using incense even during the middle of August? Now you don't have to sacrifice good liturgy for your respiratory comfort. While this product might look like someone cut a bra in half and stuck it on their face, rest assured you'll be prepared for the next outbreak of either the Angelus or the Avian Bird Flu.

If your parish can't afford child care, this "infant positioner" is the perfect compromise. Parents will feel completely at ease dropping their kids in the nursery secure in the knowledge that two soft sasquatch-sized hands will be cradling their precious newborn. The church saves money on hiring an overrated and overpaid nursery care provider and parents feel good about getting away for 47 minutes or so. Signing that waver indemnifying the parish against having to pay for future therapy is a mere formality.

If your priest has ever made the receiving line after church faux pas of congratulating a new (or old) parishioner on her "pregnancy" this t-shirt will insure this never happens again. Insisting that mothers-to-be wear this shirt to church throughout the terms of their pregnancies is a win-win. The clergy won't ever humiliate themselves again (at least on this score) and parishioners will be sure to rub, stroke, and fawn over the ever-expanding stomachs of the pregnant women of the parish.

And finally, the Crucifix Brush is the perfect gift for the parish sexton on your list. Okay, so it's not technically a crucifix (where's Jesus?) but the slogan "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" makes up for any lapse in ecclesiastical vocabulary.

I hope these products have inspired you on your continuing journey of faith. The human imagination is a great gift from God; even when it's irredeemably twisted.

PS. Thanks to Bryna's friend and colleague Jen Lawrence for discovering the Pillow Tie and thereby inspiring this post. For the record she has never been to my church and thus has yet to sleep through one of my sermons.

1 comment:

Sarah Brockmann said...

Have you ever seen the Communion Dispenser? I swear I'm not making this up - works like a PEZ dispenser, except the host comes out of the bottom. "Speeds up service time" the ad touts, as well as "more hygienic". AND you can purchase wafers pre-dipped or something in the grape juice - a twofer!

Now, if they could just make it shoot for distance and accuracy, nobody would even have to come forward to receive!

Comes in gold, white, and silver. Seriously.