Talk about going viral. In 2009, a semi-employed comedy writer named Justin Halpern started a Twitter feed to record the often salty comments made by his father. Eventually this turned into a book titled "Sh*t My Dad Says" which reached number one on the New York Times Bestseller List. It was subsequently turned into a sit-com which is currently running on CBS starring William Shatner.
I never read the book nor have I seen the TV show but the concept has spawned all sorts of take-offs and parodies which I will leave you to Google since I'm not going to be responsible for endorsing any of the content. The title of this post alone will likely get me into trouble with a certain set. I guess I could have called it "Stuff Rectors Think" but that would lose the viral appeal of the coattails I'm shamelessly grabbing.
So here's an ecclesiastical take on the concept. If you have others, by all means share them. In the meantime here goes (and remember this has been filed under the 'church humor' category):
Sh*t Rectors Think (but don't say)
1. Could the organist possibly play this hymn any slower? The "grace" is rapidly losing its amazingness.
2. (During a pastoral counseling session) You think you have problems? Let me tell you about mine!
3. I wonder how many more tedious vestry meetings I'll have to endure before I retire? Is there a Golden Number for this?
4. Please stop the overly dramatic reading of the Epistle. It's not as if you wrote it yourself.
5. I hope the bishop doesn't have any spies around here.
6. I hope the bishop doesn't read my blog.
7. The homemade cookies are nice but can't someone give the rector a nice bottle of scotch for Christmas?
8. How does a twit like Joel Osteen get tens of thousands of people to show up on a Sunday morning while I'm lucky to get 200 or 300?
9. (When visiting another church on a rare Sunday off) Why would anyone possibly come to this place?
10. "What time is the Easter service?" does not qualify as a pastoral emergency. See you at Christmas.
11. (Musing at coffee hour as you can't remember any names) Why is it that all children under the age of five look alike as do all gray-haired ladies?
12. When does the Pension Fund kick in?
13. Why don't they make homiletical candle snuffers to be used when the assistant/seminarian's sermon loses its focus?
15. I wonder if we get wi-fi in the chancel?
16. Must that guy in the fourth row be a split second behind on every congregational response? I wonder if I can summon an usher using mental telepathy to have him removed before the Nicene Creed?
17. If you gave up that membership to the country club, maybe you'd be able to "afford" a pledge greater than $5 per week.
18. A monkey could have done a better job arranging those flowers on the altar.
19. It's not that the microphones "don't work as well as they did when Father XX was the rector," it's that you're going deaf.
20. This meeting better end before "Modern Family" starts.