"Poem" for the Bishop-Elect

As we prepare to welcome a new bishop, I wrote a "poem" to welcome him to the Diocese of Massachusetts. I also shared with him that if things don't work out as bishop, he can always have is old job back -- as curate at St. John's, Hingham.

I still have a job, so that's a plus.

Welcome to DioMass

Welcome, Father Gates, to our humble diocese
if it wasn't for Safe Church, we'd all give you a kiss.
We have our quirks when it comes to liturgy
Sometimes we even clash quite bitterly.

But overall we're rather broad church
to spite the Unitarians we’re so quick to besmirch.
Many of our churches are built of white clapboard
It’s a New England thing but don’t be deterred.

It’s true that some of us wanted your job
but fear not an ecclesiastical lynch mob.
Clergy will love you if you simply change the location
of that holy mystery that is confirmation.

Now there is something odd at the Cathedral of St. Paul
it goes round and round like a roulette ball.
Lit up at night you’d swear it’s a nautilus
though it smacks a bit more of canon lawlessness.

We don’t know yet where you’ll reside
beyond our altars, at which you’ll preside.
If your taste is similar to the rector of Trinity
Perhaps a $3.6 million tribute to your divinity.

If the pressures of the job prove too rough
and you begin to say ‘enough is enough,’
there’s a solution to all this regret:
Find Bishop Barbara and bum a cigarette.

As Bishop Shaw prepares to hand over his crozier
we should state in full disclosure.
it will be tough to follow our saintly monk
a man small in stature but full of much spunk.

But Bishop Gayle will support you and show you the ropes
with advice much more helpful than that of the Pope’s.
And then there’s Bud who claims he’s retired
Good luck with him -- he obviously can’t be fired.

We wish you well during this time of transition
as you prepare to assume your brand new position.
I hope this poem that’s so full of schlock
will not make me the first priest that you defrock.