Liturgical Sloganeering

One of the things that happens on long car rides (besides shoving food at your teenagers and occasionally checking the rear view mirror to make sure they haven't, in fact, turned into zombies by staring too long at their phones) are Jack Handy-like Deep Thoughts. This is a dangerous thing when you have a blog since they inevitably end up here and for that, dear reader, I apologize.

As Bryna was napping during our 10-hour that-should-have-really-been-seven-and-a-half-hour drive back from Maryland's Eastern Shore, I starting thinking about advertising slogans. Specifically, advertising slogans that relate to liturgy.

If you've had enough coffee and no one else to talk to for a couple of hours, this is what happens. It's also a by-product of being on vacation and not having sermons to write. Plus, the only other option was playing the license plate game. By myself.

So here are a few popular slogans that might go along with different parts of a typical Sunday morning service. If you have others that might work, please share them. And if you think this whole idea is ridiculous (it is) and don't want to participate? "Let your fingers do the walking"(Yellow Pages) and find another website.

Sunday Morning Eucharist

Opening Acclamation: "Whasssup?!" (Budweiser)

Readings: "Can you hear me now?" (Verizon Wireless)

The Gospel: "The best a man can get." (Gillette)

Sermon: "Be all you can be." (Army)

If the Sermon won't end: "It keeps going, and going, and going…" (Energizer)

The Peace: "Reach out and touch someone" (AT&T)

Collection: "What's in your wallet?" (Capital One)

Invitation: "They're magically delicious." (Lucky Charms)

Words of Institution: "It's the real thing." (Coca-Cola) and "Melts in your mouth, not in your hands." (M & Ms)

After receiving Communion: "M'm! M'm! Good." (Campbell's Soup)

Invitation: "They're magically delicious." (Lucky Charms)

During ablutions: "Good to the last drop." (Maxwell House)

Dismissal: "Just do it." (Nike)

Closing Hymn: "Oh what a feeling!" (Toyota)

Bulletin announcements: "All the news that's fit to print." (New York Times)

Bonus Round

Sacramental Anointing: "A little dab'll do ya" (Brylcream)

Good Friday: "Takes a licking and keeps on ticking." (Timex)

Ascension Day: "Fly the friendly skies." (United Airlines)

Easter: "We bring good things to life." (General Electric)

Flower Guild: "Say it with flowers." (Interfloral)

Buildings & Grounds Committee: "Ace is the place for the helpful hardware man"

Terrible Stewardship Campaign: "Expect more. Pay less." (Target)