Jun 17, 2016

Jesus Gets...Divorced?

This week, the Harvard professor who discovered an ancient text "proving" Jesus had a wife has recanted. Or at least admitted that it is "probably a forgery."

You remember this story from 2012? It caused quite a stir among Biblical scholars, most of whom debunked the validity of the scrap of papyrus with the words "Jesus said to them, My wife."

I'd forgotten about this faith-based kerfuffle until a story in The Atlantic came out this month in which the professor, historian Karen King, admitted that the man who gave her the text, anonymously, is actually a disgraced Egyptologist turned pornographer (you just can't make this stuff up).

And it's kind of too bad. I mean, the odds that Jesus had a wife were remote at best and ultimately it wouldn't have changed anything. Married or not, Jesus is still the Savior.

But it sure did make for some great comic material. Here's what I came up with back when this was in the news. Enjoy.

Top 20 Reasons Not to be Jesus' Wife
1. It’s hard to take the Lord’s name in vain when he’s standing in the kitchen.
2. When arguing, he always turns the other cheek. So aggravating!
3. Passing the salt at the dinner table gets you a lecture about what happens when salt loses its saltiness.
4. Twelve guys always hanging around makes intimate moments impossible.
5. Having to endure people singing “Joy to the World” on his birthday gets old.
"The Gospel of Jesus' Wife"
6. Being called “Mrs. Christ” is irritating. “How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not our last name!”
7. Awkard encounters with Pilate’s wife at the next pilates class.
8. Your mother-in-law is perfect. “Do you have any idea how much pressure that puts on me at Thanksgiving?”
9. Even though it’s all innocent, it’s tough when your husband is always laying hands on other people.
10. It’s tough to live with someone who’s nursing a major Messiah-Complex.
11. He insists on calling every grace he says before dinner "The Lord's Prayer."

12. "No, I will NOT make locust and wild honey casserole for your friend John tomorrow night.

13. The way he suavely whips out his lighter at cocktail parties when someone pulls out a cigarette and says, "The Light of Christ."

14. 'I came not to be served but to serve.' "Well, that's all well and good but guess who's still left to do the dishes?"

15. He's always saying 'Let the little children come to me.' "You try hearing that all the time while your own biological clock is ticking louder than Big Ben."

16. Ever since his clothes turned dazzling white on that mountaintop, suddenly no bleach is good enough.

17. "You think it's easy getting someone to their annual physical who walks around saying, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick?'"

18. Every time he forgets to stop by the grocery store on the way home he gives me the same thing: loaves and fish, loaves and fish.

19. 'Pick up your cross and follow me.' "That's rich coming from someone who can't even pick up his socks off the bedroom floor."

20. I never was able to cash in on that life insurance policy.


Unknown said...

This is good Tim!!!

Diane Noble said...


Unknown said...

Re the Pilate/pilates connection in number 7: There's a Pontius Avenue here in Seattle. I'd love to see someone open a Pilates studio there and name it "Pontius Pilates."