May 12, 2015

Liturgical Fouls

This morning I wrote the following tongue-in-cheek Facebook post in reference to DeflateGate:
Wait, Tom Brady gets a four game suspension and a million dollar fine for violating the "integrity of the game," yet clergy who regularly violate the "integrity of the liturgy" go unreprimanded? Where's the justice!?
I was joking. Mostly. And I don't think "unreprimanded" is actually a word, but my archnemesis Scott Gunn responded with this comment: "So Tim, are you suggesting we should have referees to call penalties during the liturgy? Against priest or people, I assume. That could really improve things!"

Scott clearly doesn't read my blog closely enough. If he actually read, marked, and inwardly digested it to the degree it deserves, he would not only be wiser and better looking, he would also have known that I wrote about just such a scenario a few years ago.

In the interest of edifying Scott and capitalizing on DeflateGate, I have revised and updated my original post...

Have you ever fantasized about throwing a bright yellow penalty flag into the aisle when the priest wears the wrong liturgical color or the organist plays the opening hymn at the speed of a sick tortoise? Probably not. But at the intersection of football and liturgy and my twisted mind, there is always great convergence.

To assist you in exercising your God-given (literally) right to good liturgy, I’m offering my guide to liturgical fouls. I urge you to use this empowerment of the laity (and cranky visiting clergy) wisely and with discretion. I’ll soon make these penalty flags available on my website for a mere $49.99 and, yes, they only come in the appropriate liturgical colors
Heretical Trinitarian Theology

Deacon on Wrong Side of the Celebrant

Unseemly use of Liturgical Dance (Resembling Chicken Dance)

Happy Clappy Worship

Overly Enthusiastic Exchange of the Peace

Illegal Use of the Orans Position
Bishop Wearing Hideous Miter

Upon Further Review, The Sermon Had No Point

Illegal Procession (out of order)


Tom Sramek, Jr. said...

I didn't know reading your blog would make me better looking! Consider me a rabid fan. ;-)

Unknown said...

so funny. you have a one of a kind mind. :)

Linda M Young said...

Perfect! And you could also sell clergy shirts in that fetching black and white stripe pattern!

Anonymous said...

This will actually work as an instructed Eucharist in Alabama....