May 3, 2016

The Trump Eucharist aka Trumpcharist

"The Lord be with me."
Maybe being at the annual Diocese of Massachusetts Clergy Conference inspires me. Or maybe being around a couple hundred clergy makes me start to twitch. Either way, in a burst of "inspiration," I decided to write a eucharistic prayer for Donald Trump.

Love him as America's savior or despise him as the second coming of Mussolini, The Donald is the most polarizing figure in American politics since, um, Sarah Palin? 

Anyway, take this for what it's worth: political satire. Nothing more, nothing less. And just be thankful there's no Trump Seminary to go along with Trump University.

Eucharistic Prayer A (because it's number one) 

The people remain standing. The Donald faces them and says

                      The Lord be with me.
People           And also with you.
The Donald    Lift up your small hands.
People           We lift them to the Donald.
The Donald    Let us give thanks to Trump our demigod.
People           It is right to give him votes and praise.

It is right, and a good and joyful thing, always and everywhere to give thanks to you, Trump Almighty, Creator of The Apprentice and Trump Tower.

For you alone will make America great again; you remind us that diplomacy is for losers; and that trolling other candidates on Twitter will lead to the nomination. By your glorious campaign rhetoric you have set yourself apart from a field of uninspiring contenders.

Therefore we praise you, joining our voices with Mexicans and the Chinese and with all the company of Muslims, who for ever sing this hymn to proclaim the glory of your Name:

The Donald and People

Holy, Holy, Holy Trump, god of might makes right,
heaven and earth are full of your glory.
    Donald in the highest.
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the GOP.
    Donald in the highest.

The people stand or kneel. Then The Donald continues

Holy and gracious Donald: In your infinite love for yourself you promised to make America great again, and, when we had fallen into Obama and become subject to universal healthcare, you, in your mercy, sent yourself, your only and eternal Drumph-ness, to pretend to care about our human nature, to live and die by dividing us one from another, and to reconcile us to your delegates.

You stretched out your arms upon the wall, that the Mexicans will pay for, in obedience to your will, a perfect solution for the whole world.

On the night you were not handed over to suffering and death, because death is for losers, you took Trump Steak and when you had given thanks to yourself, you sliced it, and gave it to your supporters, and said, "Take, eat: This is my Trump Steak
 which is given for you. Do this for the remembrance of my brand."

After supper you took the cup of Trump Vodka and when you had given thanks, you gave
it to them, and said, "Drink this, all of you: This is my latest failed product, which is shed for you and for many of my stockholders. Whenever you drink it, do this for the remembrance of my brand."

Therefore we proclaim the mystery of Trump:

The Donald and People

Trump has run.
Trump is winning.
Trump will come to the Oval Office.

We celebrate the memorial of our election, O Donald, in this sacrifice of good taste and decorum. Recalling your past wives, failed businesses, and hateful rhetoric, we offer you no gifts -- because you're allegedly self-funding your campaign.

Sanctify them by your massive ego to be for your people the bouffant of your megalomania, the Trump branded food and drink of new and unending life in you. Sanctify us also that we may faithfully receive this electoral cycle, and serve you in uniformity, fear-mongering, and misogyny; and at the last day bring us with all your supporters into the joy of your November victory.

All this we ask through Donald Trump: By him, and with him, and in him, in the unity of the Republican Party all honor and glory is yours, Almighty Donald, now and for ever. AMEN.

The service continues with a self-aggrandizing group hug and the mocking of Hillary's gender.


Solange De Santis said...

Hilarious. The best political satire.

Unknown said...

This is great! Is it wrong that I heard it in Bp. Tom's voice?

(You know you're going to hell, right?? I look foward to seeing you there)

Unknown said...

This is great! Is it wrong that I heard it in Bp. Tom's voice?

(You know you're going to hell, right?? I look foward to seeing you there)

Marcia King said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ellen Ekstrom said...

Tim, I will do my best this coming Sunday, and every Sunday thereafter, to not have this as an ear worm during Eucharist. This is priceless.

Jay Croft said...

Trump for never!

Thanks for this, Tim. This guy is the most dangerous candidate since Barry Goldwater and deserves to be satirized.

Unknown said...


Jenca said...

I love it! Thank you for your very creative satire .... just curious but what would a Berncharist would look like ;)

Anonymous said...

This is so incredibly fabulous even as the reality is so incredibly frightening. Thank you for sharing (and for making me laugh!).

Dorothée said...

Thanks, Tim! Now I need an erase button - so this doesn't play in my head on Sunday!

Unknown said...

Scares the begeezeebers out of me.