Dec 2, 2019

Weird (and possibly heretical!) Advent Calendars

It's been a long time since I've offered a survey of some of the stranger Advent Calendars out
there. But, as Advent is a season of waiting and anticipation, your patience has paid off.

This is tough going as nearly every company offers some sort of Advent Calendar as part of their contribution to the Christmas Industrial Complex. We know all about the whisky Advent Calendars (I'm happy to send you my mailing address) and the various foodie offerings out there. But think of this as a curated list (with commentary!) of a few calendars you may not have seen before.

Here we have some of the best and worst (okay, the worst and even worse) of what's out there this season. Some are cringe-worthy, some border on the heretical. But in the end, Advent Calendars are a wonderful way to mark down the shopping days until Christmas. Er, I mean the days before we welcome the Christ-Child anew into our hearts and minds.

So enjoy, friends. And know that while these calendars may entirely miss the point of keeping this holy season, I do bid you a very happy and hopeful Advent.

1. Gruesome Christmas Anti-Advent Calendar

Are there people on your list who hate Christmas? Enjoy a daily "misfortune cookie" with the Gruesome Christmas Anti-Advent Calendar. Each of the 24 vegan black wheat cookies (yuck!) are individually wrapped with messages like, "I hope you've got pets. Because you haven't got any friends." This is the perfect calendar for misanthropes and those counting down to Christmas during what they would consider to be the most awful time of the year.

2. Jelly Belly 12 Days of Christmas Advent Calendar
Hey, Jelly Belly! Get clear on the concept! There's no such thing as a "12 Days of Christmas Advent Calendar." You can either do the four weeks leading up to Christmas (that's Advent!) OR the 12 Days of Christmas which start on Christmas Day (that's Christmas!). In fairness, this calendar effectively ruins both Advent and Christmas. So if that was your intention, you win! Oh, and you can keep that disgusting popcorn-flavored jelly bean for Lent.

3. Beanies Flavoured Coffee Advent Calendar

Okay, it's one thing to ruin Advent. But Beanies, a British coffee company, has also ruined coffee with the Beanies Flavored Coffee Advent Calendar (full disclosure: I'm a coffee snob -- I literally wrote the book on it). I mean, orange-chocolate coffee? Gingerbread coffee? Coconut? With "coffee" like this, who wouldn't be waiting expectantly for the promised End of Days?

4. 12 Days of Beauty Advent Calendar

It's not just that they get the 12 Days of Christmas confused with Advent -- see #2. It's the whole notion of making Advent "all about me" that irks me about the 12 Days of Beauty Advent Calendar. And believe me, it's not rare -- it seems as if every cosmetics company has some form of Advent-inspired promotion. But can you really see that major figure of the season, John the Baptist, getting jazzed about flavored bath soaps? Maybe wild honey-scented exfoliating cream...

5. Lovehoney Best Sex of Your Life Couples' Sex Toy Countdown Calendar
I can't even. And while the English word "Advent" is derived from the Latin "Adventus," meaning "coming," I still can't even. If John the Baptist yelling "You brood of vipers!" can't spice up your sex life, it may be a lost cause. Again with the locusts and wild Lovehoney. And you thought "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" was a yuletide bridge too far.

6. Very, Very Tiffany Advent Calendar

When we were kids, we were lucky if the LAST window on our Advent Calendars had a tiny, stale piece of chocolate inside. Fortunately for the 1%, Tiffany & Co. has solved this problem with their $112,000 Very, Very Tiffany Advent Calendar. Two "Verys" are apparently needed because the whole thing is just not decadent enough in itself. If only Joseph had access to this during Mary's third trimester.

7. 24 Days of Beard Treats Advent Calendar
Now, I'm not exactly sure what qualifies as a "beard treat," but this is an essential purchase for the special Old Testament prophet on your Christmas list. Imagine what this 24 Days of Beard Treats Advent Calendar could do for Malachi and Zephaniah? The scented beard oils are the perfect complement to finding one's prophetic voice -- and likely getting beheaded in the process.

8. Purple Ladybug Novelty Dinosaur Toys Advent Calendar

The only reason the Dinosaur Toys Advent Calendar made the list is for the Creationist on your shopping list. Don't believe in dinosaurs? Perfect! Here are 24 days of pre-packaged heresy. Keep opening those windows because, who knows? Maybe Adam and Eve are actually hiding in there. Nope. Sorry. That's triceratops.

Well, that's it for this year. If you find others you'd like to share (and there are many!), please do share them in the comments section. Your fellow Star gazers will thank you. Or not.

Happy Advent!

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