What Your Coffee Says About Your Denomination

Recently, I ran across a post that compared different coffee drinks with one's theology. I loved the concept but it a) wasn't very comprehensive and b) wasn't all that interesting. So I thought I'd take a crack at this since there are few things I love more than theology and coffee (not necessarily in that order).

While Jesus gave the disciples wine at the Last Supper, I have it on good authority that he only did so because Judas forgot to bring the coffee. Traitor! But that may just be apocryphal.

Personally, I drink my coffee like I wear my clergy shirts: black. But that's just the tip of the denominational, coffee-infused iceberg. So, I'm taking this brief break from my supreme duties over at Lent Madness to dip into this particular vat of over-caffeinated theology.

Anglicans -- Iced Coffee

Could there be any more appropriate coffee drink for God's "Frozen Chosen?" Well, perhaps tea. Anglicans drink tea. (And for fussy Anglo-Catholics, anything involving Latte Art --  which is the lace cotta of the coffee world).

Calvinists -- Espresso

Bitter, harsh, preordained.

Fundamentalists -- Coffee Beans

If you're going to take Scripture literally, even when it was not meant to be read as such, you will certainly just take the coffee bean (as God created it) and, forsaking reason, simply chew on the beans. Have fun with that.

Lutherans -- Coffee-Infused Beer

Martin Luther would surely approve of blending coffee with Oktoberfest.

Methodists -- Affogato

Espresso over vanilla ice cream is as close as you can come to the sweetness of sacramental grape juice. It may not leave your heart "strangely warmed," as John Wesley would put it, but you can always order a "light and sweet" coffee as a chaser.

Mormons -- Decaf

If your religion doesn't allow you to partake in caffeine, you end up with brown water. That's what decaf is after all.

Roman Catholics -- Italian Roast

Low quality beans, over-roasted to kill the flavor. When it's finished roasting, white smoke arises as a signal that it's "done." (Secondary option: Irish Coffee).

Pentecostalists -- Double Espresso

Drink a few of these and you, too, will begin speaking in tongues.

Prosperity Gospel -- Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino

This or whatever is the most expensive drink on the Starbucks menu. Also, it's not actually coffee -- it's dessert.

Unitarians -- Cafe au Lait

Foamy. Sweet. Feels good. Free range beans.

Whatever YOU Believe -- Black Coffee

Coffee in its most pure form. As God intended. The way we all see our own particular brand of Christianity.