While Jesus gave the disciples wine at the Last Supper, I have it on good authority that he only did so because Judas forgot to bring the coffee. Traitor! But that may just be apocryphal.
Personally, I drink my coffee like I wear my clergy shirts: black. But that's just the tip of the denominational, coffee-infused iceberg. So, I'm taking this brief break from my supreme duties over at Lent Madness to dip into this particular vat of over-caffeinated theology.
Anglicans -- Iced Coffee
Calvinists -- Espresso
Bitter, harsh, preordained.
Fundamentalists -- Coffee Beans
If you're going to take Scripture literally, even when it was not meant to be read as such, you will certainly just take the coffee bean (as God created it) and, forsaking reason, simply chew on the beans. Have fun with that.
Lutherans -- Coffee-Infused Beer
Martin Luther would surely approve of blending coffee with Oktoberfest.
Methodists -- Affogato
Espresso over vanilla ice cream is as close as you can come to the sweetness of sacramental grape juice. It may not leave your heart "strangely warmed," as John Wesley would put it, but you can always order a "light and sweet" coffee as a chaser.
Mormons -- Decaf
If your religion doesn't allow you to partake in caffeine, you end up with brown water. That's what decaf is after all.
Roman Catholics -- Italian Roast
Low quality beans, over-roasted to kill the flavor. When it's finished roasting, white smoke arises as a signal that it's "done." (Secondary option: Irish Coffee).
Pentecostalists -- Double Espresso
Drink a few of these and you, too, will begin speaking in tongues.
Prosperity Gospel -- Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino
This or whatever is the most expensive drink on the Starbucks menu. Also, it's not actually coffee -- it's dessert.
Unitarians -- Cafe au Lait
Foamy. Sweet. Feels good. Free range beans.
Whatever YOU Believe -- Black Coffee
Coffee in its most pure form. As God intended. The way we all see our own particular brand of Christianity.